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Michael: What the hell was that?
Phyllis: It's the only gavel I could find...
Michael: It squeaks when you bang it...that's what she said!
tags: Michael Scott | Season 5, Episode 4: "Crime Aid" | Phyllis
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Darryl: Mike gave me a list of his top 10 Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News, one was Tracy Chapman Fast Car and, my personal favorite, Short People.
tags: Season 5, Episode 4: "Crime Aid" | Darryl
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Andy: [to Angela] One day we're going to move to Disney's Celebration village in Florida and leave all of this behind.
tags: Michael Scott | Season 5, Episode 4: "Crime Aid"
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Michael: In my opinion the third date is traditionally the one where you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.
tags: Michael Scott | Season 5, Episode 4: "Crime Aid"
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Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins too. I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry. You think my nipples don't get sore too? You think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
tags: Stanley | Season 5, Episode 3: "Baby Shower"
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Michael: It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is...it's so unnatural, but it...it...happens.
tags: Michael Scott | Season 5, Episode 3: "Baby Shower"
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Michael: Is this it? I mean is this...two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis? I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what? Where's my golden shower Phyllis.
tags: Michael Scott | Season 5, Episode 3: "Baby Shower"
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Angela: This is your boy bowl with the name Chevy
Michael: That was me.
Angela: And this is the girl bowl with M&Ms with the name Astird
Phyllis: That can't be right...
Angela: Michael wrote down Astird.
Michael: She said it is the name of a Viking princess...so...
Meredith: Astird
Michael: I know. I know. It is beautiful. Thank you.
tags: Michael Scott | Angela | Meredith | Phyllis | Season 5, Episode 3: "Baby Shower"
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Dwight: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision.
tags: Dwight Schrute | Season 5, Episode 3: "Baby Shower"
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Jim: Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now this baby will be related to Michael through...delusion!
tags: Jim Halpert | Season 5, Episode 3: "Baby Shower"
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Jim: [about Dwight] He has not stopped working for a second. At 12:45, he sneezed while keeping his eyes open (which I always thought was impossible). At 1:32 he peed. I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk while filing out expense reports.
tags: Jim Halpert | Season 5, Episode 2: "Business Ethics"
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Michael: [on what to do about Meredith] OK, new idea -- we don't report her at all. We just punish her.
Holly: We punish her?
Michael: Tell her she can't have sex for six months.
Holly: I don't think we could enforce that.
Michael: I don't know. I saw this thing...like a belt with a key.
Holly: A chastity belt.
Michael: Yeah, it's more of a underwear garment that has little spikes, like, made of...I think sometimes they're made of metal. You know what I'm talking about. You unlock a little door that...down...where you...where you put...where you put the...
tags: Michael Scott | Season 5, Episode 2: "Business Ethics"
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Michael: I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance. I mean...what sort of place is that to call home?
tags: Michael Scott | Season 5, Episode 2: "Business Ethics"
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I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance. I mean...what sort of place is that to call home?
tags: Michael Scott | Season 5, Episode 2: "Business Ethics"
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Michael: When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I viewed cookie monster sings chocolate rain about 1,000 times.
tags: Michael Scott | Season 5, Episode 2: "Business Ethics"