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- Stanley: [before the Hot Dog eating contest] I would rather work for an upturned broom with a bucket for a head than work for somebody else in this office besides myself. Game on.
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- Michael: Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves to work. He is, however, an idiot.
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- Michael: We are all participating in mandatory fun activities. Funtivities! And there is a special secret prize for the winner…
- Dwight: Yes! Funtivities, I knew it wasn’t just a trip to the beach!
- Michael: Alright, you know what? Your enthusiasm is turning people off.
- Dwight: I hope there will be management parables.
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- Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
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- Michael: What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It’s like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies unless you find a new head. I need to find which one of these people has the skills to be a chicken head.
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- Michael: I want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it then it will suck.
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- Pam: About 40 times a year Michael gets really sick but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.
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- Creed: I’m a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in women’s room for number 2.
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- Michael: Jan says anything that doesn’t scare us is not worth doing. I don’t know, maybe we’re different people. I like cuddling and spooning abd she likes video-taping us during sex and then watching right afterward to improve my form.
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- Michael: My point is…my point is, a penis - when seen in the right context - is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context it is like a monster movie.
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- Michael: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party I nearly vomited.
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- Jan: Michael, come over after work tonight. I miss your…body.
- Michael: I dunno. I feel…I drive a lot. I’m spending a fortune on gas…
- Jan: I’ll give you $200. If I get up before you I’ll leave it on the dresser.
- Michael: I dunno…that makes me kind of uncomfortable…
- Jan: $300?
- Michael: I…well…I dunno…
- Jan: Whatever, just let my assistant know if you’re coming over so he can get more Vodka. Hunter, are you on?
- Hunter: You got it Jan!
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- Phyllis: I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions and he was holding a map and when I walked over he had “it” out on the map.
- Angela: Phyllis, you’re a married woman!
- Creed: The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what’s all the fuss? [aside] If that’s flashing then lock me up.
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- Disgruntled Customer: [storms out angry] I’m calling the Better Business Bureau!
- Michael: Yeah? Well I’m calling the “Ungrateful Biyotch Hotline”!
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- Dwight: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching…