Quote:
- Michael: Nobody likes beets Dwight! Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like! You should grow…candy…[sighs] I’d love a piece of candy right now…not a beet…
Quote:
- Dwight: Thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a 9-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It’s the perfect situation for me although two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one…and that’s out under the porch.
Quote:
- Dwight: A 30-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
Quote:
- Jim: Stanley. I just played Dunderball with Toby. How about you? You got any games?
- Stanley: Yeah I got a game. It’s called “work hard so your children can go to college”.
Quote:
- Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm…sometimes teenagers use it for sex.
Quote:
- Michael: I really love the paper-triangle-flicking-and-hitting-things game.
- Kevin: We call it “hateball”.
- Michael: Why?
- Kevin: Because of how much Angela hates it.
- Michael: Hey do you guys have any other games?
- Kevin: Sometimes we play who can put the most M&Ms in their mouth.
- Angela: You play that.
- Oscar: [to Jim] You should ask Toby to teach you “Dunderball”.
Quote:
- Jim: [looks at paper on Oscar’s desk] What does “2005 Season” mean? Wait a minute what is this?
- Oscar: It’s a scoreboard. Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael’s out.
- Kevin: Or when we’re bored.
- Jim: Oh my God! Wait, this thing goes back two years!
- Kevin: We’re bored a lot.
Quote:
- Michael: Did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?
- Pam: Yeah I changed them to your new address.
- Michael: Good the Small Businessman?
- Pam: Yup…
- Michael: American Way, Maxim, Cracked…
- Pam: Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription.
- Michael: How about…um…Fine Arts…Afficianado Monthly?
- Pam: [shakes head no]
- Michael: No? Ok well could you get on that? Because I don’t just read Cracked.
Quote:
- Michael: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like oen of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like…Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like…Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Quote:
- Ryan: Breakfast. I got you a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.
- Michael: Oh yummy yummy. Thank you Ryan.
- Ryan: What was the thing you needed me to come in early for?
- Michael: Uh…the sausage, egg and cheese biscuit…
Quote:
- Michael: I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.
Quote:
- Michael: You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive person. Come here, gimme a kiss…comon’!
- Phyllis: Michael, you don’t have to worry. I’m not going to report you to HR…
- Michael: I’m not worried! You know what? The only thing I am worried about? Getting a boner.
Quote:
- Todd: There’s this guy and he’s at a nymphomaniac convention and he is psyched because all these women are smokin’ hot perfect 10s except for this one woman who looks a lot like…like [points at Phyllis]
- Kevin: Phyllis?
- Michael: No, no, no…that crosses the line.
- Todd: Ex-squeeze me?
- Michael: Not you, Kevin. It’s just unwarranted. Hostile work environment Kevin.
- Kevin: Well Packer said it.
- Michael: No you said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look Kevin, we are a family here. And Phyllis is a valued member of that family…like a grandmother.
- Phyllis: I’m the same age as you Michael…
- Michael: I don’t know about that.
- Phyllis: We’re in the same high-school class.
- Michael: Well, I had a late birthday and usually September is the cutoff point…
Quote:
- Michael: I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting corporate that I forget that I am corporate, upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney to protect me. You can’t be too careful about what you say. Mo’ money mo’ problems.
Quote:
- Michael: Hello, Jan, Mr. O’Malley, this is my lawyer, James P. Albini. I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in free-speech issues.
- James P. Albini: [to the camera] And motorcycle head-injuries, workers comp and diet pill lawsuits.
- Michael: This guy does it all.
- Jan: Excuse me, I’m sorry. Michael, Mr. O’Malley is your lawyer.
- Michael: What?
- Jan: Mr. O’Malley is our corporate lawyer.