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- Michael: Will her highness, Jan Levinson Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton?
- Jan: It’s a 2 ½ hour drive from New York Michael.
- Michael: Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home.
- Jan: No.
- Michael: Comon’ Jan this is important. I mean this is validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this…
- Jan: We don’t approve of this Michael. You only have the budget for one office party a year. So we’re not paying for this.
- Michael keeps arguing with Jan…
- Michael: Comon’ Jan! You’re dropping an A-bomb on me here!
- Jan: Really? I’m dropping an atomic bomb on you? You already had a party on May 5th for no reason…
- Michael: No reason? It was the 05-05-05 party! It happens once every billion years!
- Jan: And you also had a luau and you had a tsunami relief fundraiser that somehow lost money…
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- Michael: And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundee all-star. Why don’t you show them some of your bling!
- Stanley: I don’t know where they are, I think I threw them out.
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- Pam: You know what they say about a car-wreck where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you have to stare at because your boss is making you.
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- Michael: A lot of the people here don’t get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin. I mean who’s gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin’ Donuts?
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- Michael: I think in order to be a ladies’ man, it’s imperative that people don’t know you’re a ladies’ man. So I kind of play that close to the chest. I don’t know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think…other people have told me I have a very symmetrical face.
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- Ryan is about to throw away an item as he’s cleaning Michael’s convertible
- Michael: Watch out whoa! That’s my Drakkar Noir!
- Ryan: No, this says “Rite-Aid Night-Swipe”.
- Michael: No, it is a perfect smell-alike! I’m not paying for the label. Right here. Give it.
- Ryan: It’s empty…
- Michael: No it’s not. There’s some in the straw [proceeds to take out the straw and swab his neck with cologne]. There…now you may throw it out.
- Ryan: [opens the glove compartment] Wow, how many filet-o-fishes did you eat?
- Michael: That’s over several months Ryan.
- Ryan: Still…
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- Ryan: What about this bottle of power drink?
- Michael: What flavor?
- Ryan: Blue.
- Michael: Blue is not a flavor…
- Ryan: It says flavor: blue blast.
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- Michael: Pam, one more thing…how do girls your age feel about futons?
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- Michael: Here is Toby from human resources. Katie, Toby. Toby, Katie.
- Toby: [sees Katie’s school ring] Did you go to Bishop O’Hara?
- Katie: Yeah
- Toby: Yeah me too.
- Katie: Cool, what year were you there?
- Toby: ’89…
- Michael: Toby’s divorced. He uh…gawd…recently, right? You and your wife? And you have kids? Oh that’s so…it was really messy. You slept one night in your car too?
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- Dwight: The purse-girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
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- Michael: I do read Small Businessman. I also subscribe to USA Today and American Way magazine. That’s the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she’s in Phoenix. Illuminating.
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- Michael: You know what? I usually don’t allow solicitors in the office. But today I’m going to break some rules and you can have the conference room. It’s yours, all day.
- Katie: Wow, thanks.
- Pam: There’s an HR meeting in there at 11:30.
- Michael: Well let’s put them in the hallway. Give them some chairs. Right? Decisiveness! One of the keys to success according to Small Businessman.
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- Michael: Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else.
- Dwight: Sex.
- Michael: That’s illegal. Can’t do that. Next best thing.
- Dwight: Torture.
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- Jan: We’ve created an incentive program to increase sales. At the end of the month, you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to $1000.
- Michael: Whoa, howdy ho. Wow a thousand big ones. That’s cool. Do I get to pick the prize?
- Jan: Yes, yes you can.
- Michael: Question, does top salesman include people who were at one time were such outstanding salesmen that they were promoted to…
- Jan: Um no Michael, you can’t win this prize.
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- Michael: When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It’s gone. I’m in the zone. Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don’t know. I might just be a basketball machine. What’s Dunder Mifflin? I’ve never heard of it. Filing, paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um…we that’s probably going to happen actually.