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- Dwight: I'm now going to read aloud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
- Stanley: What about confidentiality?
- Dwight: You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults but obviously I am the only adult here. [reads from list] Number one, inverted penis…
- Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
- Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
- Meredith: The uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
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- Jan: Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand?
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- Dwight: Count choculitis...
- Jim: Sounds tough.
- Dwight: Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
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- Dwight: [angry] Alright, who did this?!?! I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
- Jim: What are you talking about?
- Dwight: Someone forged medical information, and that is a felony!
- Jim: Ok, well alright because that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
- Dwight: [reads document] Leprosy...flesh-eating bacteria...hotdog fingers...government created killer nano-robot infection...
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- Michael trying to come up with a surprise for his employees
- Michael: I'm calling to ask you a little favor-rooni my friend. I'm trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost, and I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.
- Man: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride...
- Michael: [opens brochure for the Lockwanna Coal Mine] It says here that it's a 300 foot drop!
- Man: Well, it goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.
- Michael: So it's not a free-fall?
- Man: It's an industrial coal elevator.
- Michael: Uh...alright, well once you get down into the mine...you got laser tag or something?
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- Jim: You work here, don't you want good insurance?
- Dwight: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
- Jim: Ok, well if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
- Dwight: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute...and superior brain-power. Through concentration I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
- Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
- Dwight: So I can lower it.
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- Dwight: I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is "ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run, a lion eats me and I'm dead!". Well I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead!
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- Dwight: Ok, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
- Michael: Uh...none. You're picking a healthcare plan.
- Dwight: Ok, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'm going to need an office. I think the conference room should be fine.
- Michael: You can use the conference room as a temporary work-space.
- Dwight: Yes. I have an office!
- Michael: Nope. You cannot use it.
- Dwight: Ok, I take it back, it's a work-space.
- Michael: Temporary work-space...you can use it.
- Dwight: Thank you [smiles at the camera].
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- Jim: Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And well, if this were my career I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
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- Jan: So which health plan have you decided on?
- Michael: I am going to go with the best Jan! I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works.
- Jan: Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?
- Michael: Oh, I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the gold plan [taps insurance brochure].
- Jan: The gold plan? I'm not even on that plan...
- Michael: Well I recommend it. It's very good. You gotta crack these things open [opens brochure].
- Jan: You know the whole reason that we're doing this is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and then choose the cheapest plan.
- Michael: Well that is kind of a tough assignment. It's not going to be a popular decision around the old orifice.
- Jan: It's your job.
- Michael: Well it's a suicide mission, you know?
- Jan: Michael, you know sometimes a manager - like yourself - has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
- Michael: Oh? When have you ever done that?
- Jan: I'm doing it right now...to you.
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- Michael: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food (not directly, but through the money). I heal them. Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right. That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um...yes, in a way. Like a specialist.
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- Michael in meeting with his boss, Jan Levinson Gould
- Michael: [phone rings] Oh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Mind if I take it? [answers speakerphone] Pac-Man!
- Packer: Hey you big queen!
- Michael: [looks nervously at Jan] Oh...uh...that's not appropriate...
- Packer: Hey so is old Godzillery coming in today?
- Michael: I don't know...I don't know what you mean.
- Packer: Look, I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?
- Michael: Oh my God! Oh...that's...horrifying...[to Jan] horrible, horrible person.
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- Michael: Let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?
- Oscar: Mexican isn't offensive.
- Michael: Well...there are connotations...
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- Michael: Olympics of suffering right here! Slavery versus the Holocaust. Comon'!
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- Michael: Why don't I just kind of introduce myself. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. but what some of you might not know is that I am part Native American Indian.
- Oscar: What part Native American?
- Michael: 2/15ths
- Oscar: That fraction doesn't make any sense.
- Michael: Well, you know what? It's kind of hard for me to talk about - the suffering.