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- Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that if you are a racist, I will attack you with the North. And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
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- Michael: [to Toby] This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.
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- Diversity Day Trainer: Now this is a simple acronym, H.E.R.O. At Diversity Today we believe it's very easy to be a hero. All you need are Honesty, Empathy, Respect and Open-mindedness.
- Dwight: Um, excuse me? I'm sorry but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
- Diversity Day Trainer: Great, well what is a hero to you?
- Dwight: A hero kills people - people that wish him harm. A hero is part human, and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma or out of a disaster that must be avenged.
- Diversity Day Trainer: Ok, um, you're thinking of a superhero.
- Dwight: We all have a hero in our heart.
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- Diversity Day Trainer: Now here's what we're going to do, I've noticed that...
- Michael: You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody - everybody - say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last.
- Dwight: I have two. White and Indian.
- Diveristy Day Trainer Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way...
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- Dwight: Tit for tit.
- Jim: That's not the expression.
- Dwight: Well it should be.
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- Michael: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? No. It's the people - the people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Gautemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. Came to me and said, "Meester Scott...would you be the godfather of my child?". Wow...wow...wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go...he sucked.
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- Michael: So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second...and probably an entertainer third.
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- Michael: Jim, now is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into jello.
- Jim: Ok. Dwight I'm sorry, because I've always been your biggest flan.
- Michael: [laughing to Ryan the temp] Ooooh nice! That's the way it is around here, just kinda goes 'round and 'round and 'round.
- Ryan: You should've put him in custardy.
- Michael: Hey yes!!! New guy! He scores!!!
- Dwight: Ok that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.
- Michael: Pudding...pudding...I'm trying to think, what other dessert to do?
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- Dwight discovers that Jim has suspended his stapler in a jello mold
- Dwight: Are you going to discipline him or not?
- Michael: Ooooh, discipline...kinky!
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- Michael: [starting the meeting] Now I know there are some rumors out there and I just kinda want to set the record straight...
- Dwight: Uh uh uh uh...I'm the assistant regional manager, I should know first.
- Michael: Assistant to the regional manager
- Dwight: Ok, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly, can you whisper it in my ear?
- Michael: I'm just about to tell everyone.
- Rumblings from the group
- Dwight: Please...ok. Do you want me to tell them?
- Michael: You don't know what it is [laughs]
- Dwight: Ok, you tell them...with my permission.
- Michael: I don't need your permission.
- Dwight: Permission granted!
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- Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine would be Bobe Hope. Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. Uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. I just thinkn all those people really helped the world in so many ways. That it's, uh, really beyond words. It's really incalculacable.
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- Dwight: One word, two syllables...demarcation.
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- On not telling his employees about impending downsizing
- Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
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- Michael: [on the phone] Alright then, done deal! [mock English accent] Thank you very much sir! You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh...I'm sorry. Ok, I'm sorry. My mistake. [to the camera] That was a woman I was talking to...very low voice, probably a smoker.
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- Michael: So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you are saying grasshopper?
- Jim: Actually, you called me in here...