Michael Scott
Quote:
- Michael: Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't know where it's going. I just hope to find it somewhere along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.
Quote:
- David: What are you doing right?
- Michael: Right What
- David: Uttica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling, but your branch is reporting strong numbers. Look, you're not our most traditional guy but clearly something you are doing is right and I need to get
some sense of what that is.
- Michael: David, here it is. My philisophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have and I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone...for any reason ever no matter what. No matter where or who or who you were with or where you are going or...where you've been. Ever. For any reason whatsoever.
Quote:
- Michael: Today's a big day. My presence has been requested by [uses deep voice] Chief Financial Officer David
Wallace. He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And to be perfectly honest, I have little
or no idea what that means...probably bad.
Quote:
- Michael: What the hell was that?
- Phyllis: It's the only gavel I could find...
- Michael: It squeaks when you bang it...that's what she said!
Quote:
- Andy: [to Angela] One day we're going to move to Disney's Celebration village in Florida and leave all of this behind.
Quote:
- Michael: In my opinion the third date is traditionally the one where you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me
I'll know for sure.
Quote:
- Michael: It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it.
It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is...it's so unnatural, but it...it...happens.
Quote:
- Michael: Is this it? I mean is this...two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis?
I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken,
we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower.
Well you know what? Where's my golden shower Phyllis.
Quote:
- Angela: This is your boy bowl with the name Chevy
- Michael: That was me.
- Angela: And this is the girl bowl with M&Ms with the name Astird
- Phyllis: That can't be right...
- Angela: Michael wrote down Astird.
- Michael: She said it is the name of a Viking princess...so...
- Meredith: Astird
- Michael: I know. I know. It is beautiful. Thank you.
Quote:
- Michael: [on what to do about Meredith] OK, new idea -- we don't report her at all. We just punish her.
- Holly: We punish her?
- Michael: Tell her she can't have sex for six months.
- Holly: I don't think we could enforce that.
- Michael: I don't know. I saw this thing...like a belt with a key.
- Holly: A chastity belt.
- Michael: Yeah, it's more of a underwear garment that has little spikes, like, made of...I think sometimes they're made of metal. You know what I'm talking about. You unlock a little door that...down...where you...where you put...where you put the...
Quote:
I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance. I mean...what sort of place is that to call home?
Quote:
- Michael: I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance. I mean...what sort of place is that to call home?
Quote:
- Michael: When I discovered YouTube, I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I viewed cookie monster sings chocolate rain about 1,000 times.
Quote:
- Michael: People expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter, sudden twists, surprise endings. You need to be Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan. You need to be Robin Shyamalan.
Quote:
- Michael: [on helping Holly] She's my friend,and ultimately my strategy is to sort of merge
this into a relationship without her even knowing.
