Dwight Schrute
Quote:
- Dwight: So the monkey does the sex thing right…here [strange monkey noises are heard from Dwight’s PC]
[they laugh]
- Michael: That’s funny. That’s funny. [looks at the camera] Not offensive, because it’s nature…educational.
Quote:
- Dwight: Welcome to the 8th annual Dundees awards. Before we start, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short. I have wrap-it-up music and I’m not afraid to use it.
Quote:
- Dwight: The purse-girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
Quote:
- Michael: Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else.
- Dwight: Sex.
- Michael: That’s illegal. Can’t do that. Next best thing.
- Dwight: Torture.
Quote:
- Dwight: [taking shirt off] Ok, we’ll be skins!
- Michael: Oh comon’ Dwight!
- Dwight: What? On or off?
- Michael: On!!!
Quote:
- Dwight: Can I be team captain?
- Michael: No, I am team captain.
- Dwight: Can I be team manager?
- Michael: No I am the team manager! You can be the assistant to the team manager.
- Dwight: Assistant team manager?
- Michael: No!
- Dwight: Ok, we’ll see who’s working this weekend.
- Michael: Jim, you’re in charge of the schedule now. Threat neutralized!
Quote:
- Michael: Are we ready for the games? Oh yeah, I know grumble grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth grumbling all the way like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
- Dwight: Gimli...
- Michael: Nerd. That is why you are not on the team.
- Dwight: Just trying to be helpful.
- Michael: Oh elven dragonslayer. Ten-point power sword.
Quote:
- Dwight: So we need someone to work this Saturday. And I think that that should be Jim.
- Jim: God this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I’ve ever seen go to someone’s head.
Quote:
- Dwight: That’s why you have an assistant regional manager.
- Michael: Yes it is…assistant to the regional manager.
- Dwight: Same thing.
- Michael: No it’s not, it’s lower.
- Dwight: It’s close.
Quote:
- Dwight: I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me...I am better at hiding than they are at vision.
Quote:
- Dwight: It's a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.
Quote:
- Dwight: Ok, now who wrote this...this hysterical one? Anal fissures?
- Kevin: That's a real one.
- Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
- Kevin: [glances uncomfortably at the camera] ...someone has it...
Quote:
- Dwight: I'm now going to read aloud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
- Stanley: What about confidentiality?
- Dwight: You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults but obviously I am the only adult here. [reads from list] Number one, inverted penis…
- Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
- Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
- Meredith: The uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Quote:
- Dwight: Count choculitis...
- Jim: Sounds tough.
- Dwight: Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Quote:
- Dwight: [angry] Alright, who did this?!?! I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
- Jim: What are you talking about?
- Dwight: Someone forged medical information, and that is a felony!
- Jim: Ok, well alright because that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
- Dwight: [reads document] Leprosy...flesh-eating bacteria...hotdog fingers...government created killer nano-robot infection...
