Dwight Schrute
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Lazy Scranton video playing
- Michael: [rapping] Call poison control if you’re bit by a spider.
- Michael & Dwight: But check that it’s covered by your healthcare provider!
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- Dwight: I know everything about film. I’ve seen over 240 of them.
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- Dwight: Why are you looking at my forehead?
- Jim: I’m not.
- Dwight: Meet my eye-line Jim!
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- Dwight: I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther.
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- Michael: Here are some famous Indians. Subramanyan Chandasakar…he is a Nobel prize winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from the Simpsons, hilarious Indian. M. Knight Shyamalan. The Village, Unbreakable, Sixth Sense, Signs…
- Dwight: I see dead people…
- Michael: Ok, spoiler alert.
- Dwight: He was dead the whole time…
- Michael: Just stop it.
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- Dwight: Kelly, I’ll take this one. Diwali is a celebration of the coronation of the god King Rama after his epic battle with Ravana, the demon king of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil…
- Michael: Alright, alright. This isn’t ‘Lord of the Rings’.
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- Dwight: Just think, that temp agency could’ve sent you anywhere.
- Ryan: I think about that all the time.
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- Dwight: Ryan, comon’! I am sorry.. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs some fatback bacon and – look – something he whittled!
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- Dwight: Fear is what it is all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear!!! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!!!
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- Dwight: What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?
- Ryan: Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.
- Dwight: Wrong. Flash floods! What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin’s suicide?
- Ryan: Depression?
- Dwight: Wrong. He hated himself. What is the Dharma Initiative?
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- Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.
- Ryan: I don’t think you know what you’re saying…
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- Dwight: I am very excited. Ryan hasn’t made a sale yet. But more importantly, he hasn’t made an ally yet. Is he gonna be a slacker or loser or wiseass like Jim was? Or is he gonna join the Dwight Army of Champions.
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- Dwight: When my mother was pregnant with me they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later they discovered that I had reabsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
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- Dwight: When I die I want to be frozen and if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that know what hold he had me in.
