Dunderball: An Office Fansite - Dwight Schrute

Broken Legs

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 11:33:09 -0600

Quote:

Jim: [after Andy pushes Dwight into the bushes with his Prius] Dwight, are your legs broken?

Dwight: No, my right one's falling asleep a little bit

Duel

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 11:32:03 -0600

Quote:

Dwight: What weapon?

Andy: My bare hands.

Dwight: That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.

Andy: Then I'll get something too.

40 Rules

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 11:29:00 -0600

Quote:

Dwight: Rule 17: Don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged or the dominant Turkey during mating season.
There are 40 rules all Shrute boys must learn before the age of 5. [sings] Learn your rules, you better
learn your rules. If you don't you'll be eaten in your sleep! Hah!

Circumcision

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 02:09:17 -0500

Quote:

Dwight: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision.

Ethics

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 02:19:43 -0500

Quote:

Holly: I have to go over pencils and office supplies. It's part of the ethics thing.

Oscar: That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.

Andy: I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? Boom!

Oscar: Exactly Andy.

Andyt: Yeah I took intro to philosopy. Twice. No big deal.

Dwight: It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.

Weaponry

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 03:12:41 -0600

Quote:

Dwight: I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim’s life with a can of pepper spray I had velcro’d under my desk. People say, “oh, it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace”. Well I say, “it’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally than by a stranger on purpose.”

Groin

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 02:33:37 -0500

Quote:

Dwight: The eyes are the groin of the head.

Cut

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 02:31:49 -0500

Quote:

Dwight: [Dwight peeing in Michael’s PT Cruiser] I think I cut my penis on the lid!

Themes

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 11:35:07 -0500

Quote:

Dwight: We have three rooms each with a different theme.

Pam: What are the themes?

Dwight: America, irrigation and night-time.

Tours of the Farm

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 11:32:40 -0500

Quote:

Dwight: We offer tours of the fields and of the barn. Perhaps you’d be interested in Mose’s table-making demonstration?

Agri-Tourism

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 11:32:05 -0500

Quote:

Dwight: Agri-tourism is a lot more than a bed-and-breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.

Schrute Farms

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 11:31:14 -0500

Quote:

Dwight: [answering phone] Schrute Farms, guten tag! How may I help you. Yes we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh no, I’m sorry…no king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don’t conform to the usual sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again, auf wiedersehen.

Weed

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 01:37:57 -0500

Quote:

Dwight: [to the camera] I’ve seen this kid before. He’s one of the kids that sneaks into my farm and steals my hemp.

Pizza Delivery Kid: [to the camera] Yeah, I know that guy. He’s that farmer that grows really crappy weed.

Three Reams!

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 01:37:09 -0500

Quote:

Dwight: Three reams! In your face machines!

Garbage the Cat

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 01:30:25 -0500

Quote:

Angela: What is that?

Dwight: It’s a feral barn cat. I trapped him last night and I’m giving him to you as a replacement cat for the one I destroyed.

Angela: Her name was Sprinkles…

Dwight: And his name is Garbage. Mose calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage.