Dwight Schrute
Quote:
- Dwight: [to the camera] This is called leveraging an offer! [knocks on Michael’s door] Michael could I talk to you for a moment? I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills…
- Michael: Fantastic!
- Dwight: …and I turned it down…
- Michael: What? That would’ve solved all my problems!
- Dwight: …out of loyalty to this company…
- Michael: Oh you idiot!
- Dwight: So I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.
- Michael: If you left, I wouldn’t have to fire anybody.
- Dwight: Then you wouldn’t have me here…
- Michael: Big deal! Oh it would’ve worked out so well…could you get it back?
Quote:
- Dwight: So you got the fax. So why didn’t you add it to the resume? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah I get a little frustrated when I’m dealing with incompetence. Well you know what? You can go to hell too, and I’ll see you there, burning! Fine…oh wait, so you’ll let me know when you’ve made a decision?
Quote:
- Dwight: Cumberland Mills? How did you get my resume? Oh no no, I’m very flattered, don’t get me wrong, I’m just not sure that it’s my official resume or if it’s something that a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under “martial arts training”? Oh. Ok, I’m going to have to supplement that. Can I have your fax number?
Quote:
- Dwight: [singing to the tune of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire!!!
Quote:
- Dwight: Everyone. Ok, I have an announcement. Apparently in business school they don’t teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on “oven” instead of timing it for the toaster thing. [holds up burnt pita and laughs maniacally]
Quote:
- Ryan: Is it cheaper to sign a new customer or keep an existing customer?
- Dwight: Keep an existing…
- Michael: [to Dwight] Shut it! Can I just do it please? [to Ryan] It’s equal…
- Ryan: It is 10 times more expensive to sign a new customer.
- Michael: Ok yes, it was a trick question.
- Dwight: Look he didn’t need business school. Michael comes from the school of hard-knocks. Self-taught…
Quote:
- Dwight: Question, is there firewood on the island?
- Jim: I guess.
- Dwight: Then I would bring an axe, no books.
- Jim: It has to be a book Dwight.
- Dwight: Fine. Physician’s Desk Reference…
- Jim: Nice. Smart.
- Dwight: …hollowed out. Inside: Waterproof matches, iodine tables, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. No – Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question, did my shoes come off in the plane crash?
Quote:
- Dwight: Michael and I have a very special connection. He’s like Batman, I’m like Robin. He’s like the Lone Ranger, I’m like Tonto. And it’s not like there was the Lone Ranger, Tonto and…Bonto.
Quote:
- Dwight: Thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a 9-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It’s the perfect situation for me although two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one…and that’s out under the porch.
Quote:
- Dwight: A 30-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
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- Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm…sometimes teenagers use it for sex.
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- Michael: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like oen of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like…Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like…Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Quote:
- Toby: Technically I am in human resources and Dwight was asking about human anatomy. I’m just sad the public school system failed him so badly.
Quote:
- Dwight: Hey Toby. You said that we could come to you if we had any questions…where’s the clitoris? On the website it said “at the crest of the labia.” What does that mean?
Quote:
- Michael: I have never slept with an employee, and believe me I could have.
- Dwight: Yeah Meredith [points to Meredith]
- Michael: No, no, Katherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was? She would’ve definitely slept with me.
- Kevin: She wasn’t that hot.
- Michael: Yes she was…dammit Kevin, comon’ !!!