Dwight Schrute
Quote:
- Michael: Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t fire you on the spot!
- Dwight: I have excellent sales numbers!
- Michael: Not good enough!
- Dwight: I’ll do anything. Anything! Please…I’ll do your laundry for a month…for a year
- Michael: I…have…a….laundry…machine!
Quote:
- Dwight: Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind – also, weak arms.
Quote:
- Michael: Whoa…what are all those stains?
- Dwight: Blood, urine or semen…
- Michael: Oh God I hope it’s urine.
Quote:
- Dwight: Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.
Quote:
- Pam: Michael, Dwight’s looking at gay pornography on his computer.
- Dwight: Michael knows Pam. He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons…
- Michael: (looks at Dwight’s computer) Whew. Ok. Nothing wrong with this stuff at all. This is fine. You know what? Gay porn, straight porn…it’s all good. I don’t particularly get into this but uh…you know what? I totally see the merit. And actually, it is quite beautiful.
Quote:
- Michael: Hey, what about Angela? She’s hard and severe. She could be a gay woman.
- Dwight: I really don’t think so…
- Michael: I don’t know. I can imagine her with another woman. Can’t you?
- Dwight: (smiles)
Quote:
- Dwight: What about that meeting…later…to discuss finances?
- Angela: Yes. But don’t expect any cookie.
- Dwight: What if I’m hungry?
- Angela: No cookie.
Quote:
- Dwight: Michael? Michael, Michael, Michael. Come here, come here, come here. Listen up everyone! It is the 11:23 exactly. The exact moment when you emerged from your mother’s vaginal canal.
Quote:
- Dwight: Here’s a list of things Michael would like to be surprised by.
- Pam: Michael wants a stripper-gram?
- Dwight: Yes, but he doesn’t want to know when or whom.
Quote:
- Dwight: There he is, the birthday boy. Birthday hug!
- Michael: No, no, no. New suit. Please.
- Dwight: That suit is amazing.
- Michael: Thank you very much. It is from…Italy. Actually…no…Bulgaria.
- Dwight: Maybe I should get one…
- Michael: Good luck. One of a kind.
Quote:
- Dwight: The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden-days, the women would bear many children so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter and there weren’t enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood...
Quote:
- Dwight: I was going to teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls.
Quote:
- Michael: Dwight, what the hell are you reading?
- Dwight: These are cautionary tales for kids, my grandma used to read…
- Michael: No, no, no, no. The kids don’t want to hear some weirdo book that your Nazi-war-criminal grandmother gave you.
Quote:
- Dwight: Hello tiny one!
- Toby: Come on [shepherds his child quickly past Dwight]
- Dwight: You are the future!
Quote:
- Michael: Hi children. I’m Michael Scott and I am in charge of this place (how do I make you understand?). I am like Superman and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
- Dwight & Jim: That’s Batman…
- Michael: Ok. I’m like Aquaman…where does he live guys?
- Jim: The ocean.
- Michael: I work with a bunch of nerds.